I have known darkness. For a while now, I have allowed it to consume me to my core. I have exuded it to those I deemed deserving of the wrath. I have spread it to those curious enough to listen. And each time, I thought it would go but it only doubled, then it trippled and then I couldn’t see any light.

I have felt pain. On every level of sensitivity there is, I have felt pain. I have allowed it to take root in my soul. I have allowed every word out of my mouth to bring pain to another. I have allowed every work of my hand to inflict pain on an innocent one. And each time I thought I would get some ease, it doubled, then tripled and then I could not turn my frown upside down.

I have heard voices with all types of notes. I have allowed these voices to wound my soul. I have allowed the pitch of these voices to create a hollow. I have echoed these voices in an effort to hurt anyone who cared to listen. And each time I thought they were silent, they doubled, tripled and then I could not stop myself from being manipulated.

I have had tears stream down my face in all types of pathways. I have allowed my tears to plant a seed of bitterness in my life. I have shown my tears to everyone who cared to see them so they would loathe what I loathed. I know how it feels to face down on a pillow and cry hoping you don’t make a sound. And each time I thought they stopped falling, they doubled, then tripled and then I couldn’t see clearly anymore.

My humanity may not justify my actions. My explanations may not hold water in your books. My apologies may not erase the wave of memories… But I hope that the knowledge that I am doing better, the knowledge that I am working on being better, the knowledge that no one else will have to endure all that you endured on my account… I hope that it makes a difference.

Allow me to say this though, I AM SORRY!



Time. A lot of it had gone by. If only there was a time machine that could go back to a year ago. I still couldn’t believe it was almost a year now. It seemed so short yet so precious. If I could relive it all over again, I would up to the umpteenth time. We only had a few more days together. The familiar feeling that I always got just before he left was tugging at the pit of my tummy. I wanted to either turn back time or lengthen my 24-hour days to 72-hour days at least for the next week or so. Wishes though…

I kept stealing glances at him as he placed the orders for the twins’ birthday at KFC. He looked so cute as he barked orders left, right and center but with a lot of humility. I noticed the cashier’s sheepish smile and grinned. Initially, when we first got together I would get pissed at ladies eyeing him but over a period of three years now, believe me when I say I just shrug it off. I mean, who wouldn’t want a hot plate of tall, dark and attractive? Haha

As soon as he finished making the orders we walked to the booth at the back of the hotel. We were really early, we had like an hour to kill before the twins got here with their mother and friends. He sat on the opposite side and looked up at me then cupped my face in his palms and placed a kiss on my forehead. I intertwined my legs with his under the table and opened my eyes to find him smiling at me. This was intentional; he’d wanted us to be here early so that we could get some time for ourselves. He knew I hated the ‘we need to talk’ dates. They always ended in arguments and for this remaining time I just wanted to make beautiful memories I could hold on to for the next year.

“Delia, can we talk for a minute as we wait on mum and the twins?” He asked with a little doubt in his voice. “Sure, what is it about Matt?” I probed.

I knew exactly what he wanted to say but I wanted to hear him say it. He was worried about us. This time round he was going for a really long time and he was scared it would take a toll on us. I couldn’t agree more; it was going to take a toll on us majorly. I was more of a ‘presence’ type of girl; I didn’t know how to work with distance. I had no idea how we would get through this.

“Delia, tell me what you’re thinking. I want to know what you think about this then we can make decisions.” He said. My thoughts were so blunt, he definitely didn’t want to hear my thoughts on the subject. There was this part of me that kept trying to convince me to call it off and avoid putting myself through the self-torture. My gut had a different view on things. I’d actually thought about it for a while now but I just hadn’t gotten around to weighing my options. No, I’d actually weighed the options, I was just scared of the outcome.

“Matt, we both know what happens after this and I don’t think it’s a good idea to make choices because we are scared of reality. We only have two options, move on or deep sea dive but either way, it won’t be easy.” I suddenly replied with no filter. He was lost for words and he directed his gaze to the table. He untwined his legs and kind of sunk into the chair. It felt like I’d stabbed him right in the chest. Guilt creeped in and I uttered almost silently, “I’m sorry but you wanted to hear my thoughts.”

After a weirdly long silence, he looked at me and feigned a smile. “Is there a part of you that could at least try and take the deep sea dive?” He asked. Oh yes, there was but that was the problem. This part had no actual bearing on my decisions. I wish I had something substantial to say to him. He searched my face for some hope and it seemed hopeless. All this while I kept thinking, ‘maybe I could just try and see where it goes’.

“Aunty Delia,” shouted the twins from the door running towards me. I smiled back and stood up in anticipation. Matt seemed disappointed that they were already here but he quickly regained his composure when they began to disturb him with questions. His mother walked in and saw us. She had a soft smile on her face. “Hello dear,” she said as she pulled me in for a hug.

His family had quickly accepted my presence in his life and I’d felt so much at home in their company. Perhaps it was why Matt felt like the future was worth considering. Don’t get me wrong, I would very much want to consider the future but I just wasn’t sure it was the kind of decision I could make at 21. I mean, girls my age were worried about lipstick color and huge bootys while here I was deciding whether to make an emotional sacrifice for my three year old relationship or move on and find love somewhere along the way. Damn! I hate complicated.

Once everyone was gathered at the booths we had booked, the chicken baskets were brought with some wings, burgers and fries. Marlisa was seated on my lap the whole time and she engaged me in small talk about her dolls. Melissa on the other hand, was really going down on the drumsticks and fries. She was a foodie that one. For the next hour or so, everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves and Matt seemed to have forgotten about the ‘talk’. He was so happy that his sisters were enjoying their small party. He smiled at them from time and even shot me a few. This was his happy place, family! I wanted him to be happy but tagging me along as a shadow for the next year or so abroad was not the way. And he knew that but he was so focused on the future that he didn’t see the challenges the present brought. Unfortunately, this was the kind of break up where you have to break up with the dude’s family too. Was I ready for that? I wasn’t, or maybe I was but could they handle it? Could he handle it? Or maybe the right question here was, could I handle it?

I hated having to make the decision. I’d looked forward to dating and pictured every little detail of my relationship in my ‘alone’ time ever since my peers started going out. All the guys who hit on me were either too lame or too proud. I needed a balance; like I needed someone who could make me laugh till I sprawled on the floor but also someone who could place my mind at work. Matt was the perfect balance. His looks and excellent articulation of the queen’s language came with the package. Man was I grateful to have met someone who could see beyond the skirt! Fortunately or unfortunately like everyone else on the planet he came with baggage and he made sure he tied me down. I mean his mother would call me if they didn’t see me for a week and his little twin sisters called me ‘Aunty’. Damn, I was really deep.

I stole a quick glance at him and signaled him to walk outside with me. He had a really confused look on his face: the one you get when you don’t know what the verdict is. Heck, I was the judge in this case but I didn’t even know the verdict I was going to give. All I could think was, ‘Lord, please don’t let me hurt his pretty soul.’

“Hey, you have that look,” I said. “What look? The one I always have before I leave the country. Yeah, sure. I got that.” He kind of barked. I had no option, I laid it all bare. The look on his face constantly changed that I got to a point where I almost let out a small scream. Every organ in my body screamed a different thing and here I was listening to my gut and in the process breaking the heart of the only guy who’d actually been perfect or rather tried to be.

He stared me down for a long minute and then whispered into my ear, “Your loss!” He walked away with his hands in his pockets and a very sad shrug. Melissa waved at me at the window and I waved back with a fake smile then I turned around and began walking away trying to fight the tears that were stubbornly stinging my eyes. In a little under thirty seconds I’d ruined the sanest part of my life. I thought to myself, “WTF had I just done? Fuck my gut, I wasn’t going to break the hearts of a whole family. I can’t walk away from three amazing years!” But no, I kept moving in the opposite direction amidst the “Where are you going Aunty?” and “We are cutting the cake Aunty”. Guess my legs didn’t get the memo…


She had a lot of pent up anger and she had no idea the harm it was doing to her. She was tired of trying. She was tired of being too nice. She was tired of sacrificing her well being for the benefit of people who didn’t take a moment to think of her. She was tired of always being on the receiving end of injustice and betrayal. She just wanted a break!

A break from the pain. A break from the hurt. A break from everyone. She could definitely use a break. No, she definitely needed a break. She longed for one day where her name would not be the topic of gossip around or her kindness mistaken for weakness. She longed for one night where she could go to bed happy and wake up elated to face the day. She longed for a time when she would walk around with a smile on her face and not be forced to frown at the mention of some names. She longed for peace of mind. She longed for genuine happiness. But no, they just couldn’t allow her get her happy ending…

They budged into her territory like she did not exist anymore. They walked all over her like she could not feel any pain. They had her name lingering on their lips like their lives depended on the amount of rumors they could spread. They made her life miserable like they earned nickles and dimes for it. They trashed her generosity like she did not mean a thing. They sat in circles and whispered like she was invisible. They couldn’t control themselves yet all she wanted was for them to stop.

She just wanted them to leave her alone. She wanted them to appreciate her generosity and encourage her to do it for others too. She wanted them to allow her live her life for herself and not to their expectations. She wanted them to find a new and better name to whisper about. She wanted them to think just for a second that she was human. She wanted them to stay away from her personal space. She wanted them to STOP!

She was a decent human being; or at least she thought she was. She deserved better and she knew that fact. She deserved way more than the peanuts she was settling for. She could definitely do better. She didn’t have to feel like she needed to prove her decency to a bunch of gossips who had made it their life’s work to make hers miserable. She deserved better people, friends, lovers and company; that would be willing to lay down their lives for just as she was willing to do hers. But the world is full of shitty people and she must have gotten the shitiest to deal with.




For a while now, I’ve looked for you in every person I know. I’ve searched their eyes for that glow that sparks up when my eyes meet yours. I’ve searched their souls for that love that I deemed so pure. Yet somehow, I keep finding better souls and eyes to coincide with mine, but still I search for you.

Somewhere, deep down there, I know I shouldn’t search because at some point I might find what I’m looking for. I don’t need what I am looking for but I certainly want it. My brain knows its toxic; my heart can’t help but justify my wants. I want to see you just one more time. I want to feel that instant connection when we embrace just one more time. I want to make sure I know what I’m losing and why I have to let go of you.

But I’m scared that I might remember how it felt. I’m in fear of what my heart might give in to. I’m terrified that my brain might lose its dignity in matters concerning you. I’m not ready to be bitten a third time but I can’t help myself. These emotions are too strong. I’m too weak to know what is right for me.

The voice inside my head would like to sit you down and look into your eyes to search for the reasons. Any reason that could explain why you would turn your back on what I thought was ‘us’. Any justification for your cruel and harsh actions towards me. It would probably want me to narrate to you how I’ve suffered in silence and solitude hoping that you would just reappear to tell me, ‘it will all work out’, even when we both know it wouldn’t. 

I’m sorry that I put too much pressure on you. Forgive me for expecting too much from you when you couldn’t trust me enough to grant me access to you. Maybe you cracked under that pressure. At least that gives me solace; blame myself for losing you. It’s much better than having no explanation.

They say the worst goodbyes are those that are never explained. They definitely didn’t meet you. The worst part is that there was no goodbye and of course no explanation. One minute you were here and the next I was trying to find you in everyone that came my way. Maybe I should settle and just take what the universe is presenting to me. Question is, what if I never stop trying to find you and in the process never see the difference between you and someone new?

Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. I hope the thought of pitting my brain against my heart makes you feel a little bit better about yourself. You shouldn’t have come into my life because then I’d be writing about a different human with qualities similar to yours but maybe they’d be easily forgettable.😒😒

Bleeding Scars🤢

Wrong turn?

I’ve been on this path for as long as I can remember. I have memorized all the bumps and potholes. Day or night, I can walk through without hitting my toe on a rock. And now you say I made a wrong turn?

I am especially fond of that evergreen stop next to our rock. Its simply heavenly. The soft grass on my feet every time I dance to those tunes you hum; its perfect. Eiffel tower doesn’t come close to the serenity of this surrounding. The soft sound of the river water, just a few centimeters away blesses my soul. And that rock, it bears my name in all types of fonts I am able to create. The latest carving of my name is followed by a heart shape. This is where you taught me self love and ever since its been the pillar of my success.

So tell me, what wrong turn did I make? Where? Is it the turn to the left just before our stop? I don’t think so. This turn leads to the clearing where cows graze everyday. You remember what we love about this place? The ease with which we can see the stars on a clear night. No telescopes, just your voice whispering into my ear and your finger pointing at the beautiful moon. Have you forgotten those moments? I haven’t. This place is where you taught me to see past what my human eye sees and appreciate the beauty in everything.

Help me understand where the ‘Wrong Turn’ sign is along this path. The only sign along this path says, ‘Keep Off the Forest.’ Despite this, we still pass through the small openings on the fence and run into the depth of the forest. The monkeys love our company. The paths in this forest; we created them with our muddy shoes. We use them every time and we never get lost. You remember the mango tree somewhere in there? Seasonal as it is, we always climb and every time you hold me and make sure I get to the top. I never told you but this is where you taught me to always fight my way to the top and never settle on average. How can this be the wrong turn?

I’ve fallen but I always rise. I’ve experienced dark nights with no stars but the sun always rises at day break. So where did I make a wrong turn?

Wish Away

There was a time when I wished a lot. I was younger then and all I could do was wish. I could ask for it but we don’t always get what we want, huh? So all I had was wishful thinking. It was great when it lasted because all I could say was, “When I’m old enough…” It was easier that way. Just wishing away and keeping hope alive that when ‘old‘ comes knocking I’ll get all my wishes. 

No one ever tells you that part in the middle where wishful thinking only exists in fairy tales and stuff. You grow up, years go by and you’re always waiting for ‘old’ to come knocking. What you don’t realize is that ‘old’ comes knocking every year without fail but because your body is still vibrant and young, you still wait. 

The rude shock is that as you grow older the wishes also mature and you no longer want barbie doll-themed parties. You want or rather need trending fashion to get yourself popular in highschool. It doesn’t end there though, five years later you need a car to get you to work. Years later, you wish for a good school for your pretty princess or handsome prince as they go to kindergarten. Its not long before you begin wishing for grandchildren too!

Some of us are blessed enough to get all our wishes fulfilled but a huge percentage give up somewhere along the way. There’s no such thing as luck by the way! Wishes don’t come on a silver platter, you have to work your butt off. I have no doubt everyone knows this but there’s a difference between people who work so hard and get their dreams and those who work hard as well but do not have any of their wishes fulfilled.

It all lies in your motivation. You know, life goes so fast at times that we may forget to enjoy it and just focus on paying bills and school fees. Let your dreams and wishes be your motivation. It doesn’t matter how far gone you are, all that matters is that you paid attention to your purpose and fulfilled your dreams and got your wishes at some point in your life journey. 

Take a step back and just do you for a minute. Write those songs, cook those new recipes, learn how to play an instrument or two, go to the farm and do some ploughing, go on a road trip; point is take care of yourself and enjoy your youth before every other thing crops into your life and you lose track. Smile more, laugh a lot and stay happy ☺. It only takes a little motivation to get those wishes fulfilled. 

After all, the sole purpose of dreaming and wishing is the satisfaction of getting what you really desire right? So dream on! You are closer than you think.


Dear Kwaru,

It’s been months since you departed and not a single day has gone by without a thought of you. Sundays have never been the same for me. The warmth, love and joy that surrounded my Sundays aren’t a part of it anymore. I tried for months to make sense of your departure and I couldn’t find any reason apart from the painful realisation that it was time for you to go home and rest. Blood or no blood, you were family to me; a true friend.

My memory still lingers around our last goodbye. I didn’t see it coming. Not by a long shot. I still see you on that hospital bed barely able to hold it together but still showing so much hope. The smile on your face was priceless. Age couldn’t do a number on your smile, not even if it tried. Despite the pain, you stayed strong. All that could escape your mouth were praises to the Almighty. 

I remember asking God to restore your health. I kept telling Him to remember how you’d dedicated your life to serve Him. I said it over and over again as I walked out of the hospital that day. ‘Dear Lord, if not for my sake, but for the sake of  your servant lying on a hospital bed. Kwaru has served you in honesty and truth. Please remember him. Please’

When Dani called on Sunday morning, I was scared. All kinds of thoughts rushed through my head and I kept telling myself all was well. Dani said you were no more. Those words rang in my ears even after I hang up. My friend was no more. I just couldn’t comprehend it. I tried to hold back the tears as I tried to reach everyone who knew you to let them know of your passing. I just couldn’t do it. I broke down and I let them flow. There was no comforting me. I wanted to shut down and hibernate but I just couldn’t because I had to be the big girl. I had to be strong! 

Kwaru, I know you rest peacefully in heaven dancing with the angels and watching over us. I will never forget your silent teachings. You were the most humble, hardworking, generous and loving human being I met. You would always check up on me more times than even my agemates did. My name was always on your mouth when you prayed and to be sincere I believe that your prayers kept me going. Your smile would always shed light on me. Your unconditional love; those who knew you know exactly what I mean. For the short time I knew you I learned one important thing,

“Loving people out of your comfort zone, people who don’t share blood with you, people who actually need your love and care; costs you nothing! Being selfless in a selfish world is one of the most courageous things to do. You may have nothing material to show the world but all the things that make you special will count at the end of the day.”

I’m not sure any expression of emotions or articulation of words could ever quantify what a blessing you were to my life and many other people. I’m not even near half the person that you were but I really hope that I will follow in your footsteps. 

You are loved dearly. 

Your friend,


In memory of my departed friend, Mariko Obiero. Forever in My heart.❤❤

So long…

​Loneliness. Its all that surrounded me these days. It was like a big dark halo above my head and my arms couldn’t just extend high enough to pull it down. I had a permanent sombre mood except when Paps came in. Paps, she lit up my face like the fourth of July every single day at 9 o’clock. She was the cleaner that changed my sheets every single day. She didn’t miss a day. Part of me thought it was because it was her job but I later came to realise she found me interesting. It didn’t come as a surprise to me though. I found me interesting too. Weird huh?
My best hours of the day, apart from Paps’ time, was late afternoon when Junior dropped by with the nanny. My little piece of heaven; he made my days despite my current predicament. There’s one thing I loved about being a mother to that little boy, it was an unbreakable and untamable kind of joy that just springed from within. It didn’t need no pushing or any sparks. It was just there always. Junior always found a way to make my evening. Despite his young age and of course the irony surrounding it, he still managed to make mummy crack up. Being bedridden for months now, I got around to learning the sound of his footsteps and when they were closer I would break the prettiest smile ever to hide all the agony I felt inside.

Today he was early. I didn’t get to prepare that superwoman type of smile but trust me a mother will always find a way around everything. He was happy which was good because today I needed him to distract himself with his own joy. He hopped onto the bed and hugged me tightly. I tried as hard as I could to hold him tight until he muffled, “Mummy can you let go now. You’re hurting me.” Haha, I know baby, I know. I didn’t mean to hurt him but I just never wanted to let him go. It hurt me to know that somewhere at the back of his mind he knew mummy might never come back home.

“Mummy, tomorrow is my birthday!”
“Yes honey, It really is. Are you turning 20?”
“Haha, not yet mummy. I’m only seven.”
“I know love. I just thought you’d grown bigger last night”
“Wanna guess what wish I’ll make when I blow my eigth candle?”
“Let’s see, err, that your front teeth would grow back?”
“No. I wish that God would heal you mummy and bring you back home.”

Wow! This was totally beyond my adult control. It was more of an involuntary reflex. I couldn’t help it. My lacrimal glands betrayed my otherwise motherly instincts. He couldn’t understand why I kept stroking his hair and crying. He was confused. I was too. All I knew is that my condition didn’t give me any pain. Junior’s welfare was all that mattered to me. The knowledge of having no one with him was painful. Like I said, my life was a lonely one. My only visitors were Paps and Junior. But again, I didn’t care. As long as my baby knew how much he meant to me and seeing his face alone worked magic on my wrinlked one. It’s all I could ask the Almighty for.

Goodbye. I hated them a lot but Junior had to go home, do homework and prepare for school the next day. He looked at me before he jumped down and said, “Mummy will I see you at home on my birthday?” I looked at him and tried not to tear up. I couldn’t find the right words. I choked on my own words and I just managed a smile and a slight nod. He smiled big and said, ” I’ll not say goodbye because I’m gonna wake up in your bed mummy. Laluu❤!”

Seeing him disappear into the corridor holding the nanny’s hand made me a little jealous. It had been long since I held his hand and walked with him to the swings. My baby was just seven but he’d learned to sail through life without mummy being there all the time. It hurt me a lot to have to raise him that way but if I had another way out I would take it. The slightest possibility of not making it home for his birthday drilled holes into my heart. Even more, I felt guitly for not telling him the truth. As much as I hated goodbyes, this one was inevitable…


She pulled the end of her gown and her hand sunk inside. Gently, she wiped away her tears. It was like running water; the more she wiped them away, the more they poured. The noisy tractor on the farm muffled the sound of her cries. The setting sun kissed her face as the gentle wind swayed her gown. Little bumps formed on her thighs as it became colder. She ran her hand through her hair and turned her head towards the living room. She noticed the blood on the floor. Broken pieces of glass on the floor were stained with her blood. She didn’t feel the pain though. She couldn’t compare any amount of pain inflicted on her at that moment with the pain she felt within. She was bruised and broken. Her mind couldn’t completely register what had just happened to her. It was as if her whole life had been turned upside down and she just didn’t have a map or rather a guide on how to get back to wherever it is she knew as home. 

On her mind was the question, WHY? It didn’t matter what came after the why part of the question. All she wanted was reason. She wanted to be explained to, like a toddler for her own understanding. She wanted to get it clearly without having to doubt herself. 

Was it her fault? Was she pushy? Was she over reactive? Did she give away too much? Did she allow herself to be vulnerable? Was it because she kept so much to herself? Was it because she wasn’t good enough? Wasn’t she deserving of the best? Was she too needy?…. WHY?

She didn’t think she could ever survive it. She didn’t think her tears would ever dry. She couldn’t picture herself, even in her wildest dreams, smiling and laughing again. All she could see was a black halo hanging over her head carrying along sorrow, regret and sadness. Everyone kept telling her that time would heal. How could time heal something she didn’t even know how to explain? 

But, she believed! She waited on time. She clung to that hope even in the midst of dried blood and broken glass. She began imagining herself growing back into her free spirit. She could see herself shine brighter than a star. She saw herself rise like a phoenix from the ashes. 

No one tells you how much time you need to go through a dark cloud in your life. No one can even quantify it. All they can do is help you cling to that hope and push you towards greater things. They are never sure you’ll make it through but still their being there for you should be a reminder that people love you even at your lowest. They pray with you and take care of you. Time heals, however short or long it might take, it surely does! You’ll see:):)

No longer a slave.😌

I’ve read so many heart breaking stories in my short life and the common thing about them is that at the end these subjects always have a breakthrough. When you’re reading these stories, there’s always this small voice at the back of your head that keeps screaming, ‘If I had to go through this I would handle it so well’. You would never say it out loud but its what is in your head. I admit that 90% of the time I just can’t help but feel this way. Its not until you experience it that you realise you are just as vulnerable as any human being on this damn planet.

I swore I’d never let myself be vulnerable for any reason. Believe me when I say I really tried. I calculated all my steps, counter checked all my words and apparently tried out this ‘keep calm’ thing. At the back of my mind I was proud of myself for not letting myself down. If you’ve already gotten the flow of this piece you’d agree with me when I say I was extremely careful.

It wasn’t until I realised that I was being too careful until it just felt like a lie and all I wanted was something real and tangible. I thought to myself, ‘ A little telling won’t really hurt’. So I started telling and I never stopped. Little did I know I made myself very vulnerable. The worst part is my story didn’t have a happy ending like all the others I had read.

Guess what? Gone are the days when people used to take advantage of your weakness and turn you against the very thing that makes you, YOU. My story didn’t have a happy ending so I just thought that maybe I could just turn my ending into my beginning and make me happy for once. Well, I turned out pretty amazing. I’ve gotten to a point where I’m so grateful to the people who made me question the beauty that is within me cause without them I sure wouldn’t be here today.


So I’m pretty much here to bring to your attention that your story doesn’t have to end in tears and ‘I wish I knew’. It could as well be your ‘From grass to grace’ narrative in a couple of years. Believe me when I say, “Been there, done that!” and baby don’t I love me some good memories now! 😉😉😉