Give Me Peace🙏

All week long she had kept telling God to give her peace. She just needed Him to give her peace of mind. She needed to let go without thinking of how big a gap was being left in her life. It was time for her to stop playing nice and let go…

It had been almost a month. A whole month of loneliness and pain. Her grandfather had just passed on at the beginning of the month and she was mourning. They had been very close. She had stared at his photo and phone number almost half of the morning. She cried each time she thought of him being gone. She hadn’t told anyone because they weren’t talking to her anyway. She longed for a shoulder to lean on but she was the one keeping the family together so she had to be strong.

She kept wishing they would just ask her what was going on and console her but they didn’t. Amidst her quiet wails she could hear them laugh loudly at their own stories. They acted like she wasn’t even in the room. Worst of all they acted like life was just normal. But it wasn’t normal to her. She’d just lost her best friend, anchor, mentor and loved one. Any normal person would console another who had lost someone but they just didn’t seem to care.

She cried until she couldn’t tell anymore if she was mourning her grandfather or wishing her roommates would stand with her at that trying moment. She kept asking herself what it was she had done to deserve what they were doing to her. She just couldn’t find the answer to any of her questions simply because she hadn’t done anything wrong. She knew that now.

That was why she was asking God to help her let go. She had spent so much time believing that she had wronged them and she had to make it up to them by being nice even when they were bullying her technically. She had spent a whole month trying to seek redemption from them but she’d decided she was done. She didn’t have anything to apologize for. If anything, they were supposed to be the ones to apologize but who cares right?

This passage was meant to tell whoever is going through a similar situation that if you don’t owe them anything stop beating yourself up. If they can’t beat you, they should join you. If they think they’re better off without you, then you’re too. Stop basing your life on people’s actions. Not everyone is happy when you’re doing better than them. Just learn that you’re not chocolate, you don’t have to please everybody. Ask the Lord to give you peace even as you let go of friends who don’t mean anything to you anymore. Don’t justify their actions, it’s time to let go!!

Is that what you want for me?

YvetteĀ sat on the chair right across her mother and looked her in the eye with tears rolling down her face. She was shaking. She couldn’t believe that her own mother would leave her at such a time. She felt abandoned and unloved. She kept wondering if she was making the right decision. She even questioned her sanity. It was like she was sinking into the mad and was stretching her hand hoping her mother would come to her rescue but she could see her mother stare at her with disdain.

She remembered when she was a little girl and her mother lied to her about their maternal grandparents. She’d told them they died because of old age but she later found out when she was a teenager that they were alive and well. They just didn’t want a part of their daughter’s life. When she confronted her mother about it, she broke into tears and she just couldn’t control herself. She remembered her mother’s words just as she said them that day,

“I’m sorry I lied dear. I was trying to protect you and your siblings. I didn’t want you to feel unloved so it was easier saying they were deceased. I’ve said it a long time that I have started believing it myself. Honestly, I wish they met you baby. I wish they’d have known how smart, kind and intelligent you are Yvette. It’s their loss. That shouldn’t worry you at all. Dad and I love you all and that is enough.”

Her wedding was in a week’s time and her parents still hadn’t come to terms with her decision. She had come home hoping her mother would be more receptive and sympathetic with her but she could see she wasn’t getting anywhere. Her mother’s story weighed heavily in her chest and she thought to herself, ‘Why would she allow me to go through this alone?’

She looked at her mother one more time and spoke her heart out, “Mother, I love you. I am grateful to you and dad for raising me into this amazing lady I am today. I am eternally grateful. I also love Tim and I am going to marry him. I haven’t been in Ā such a situation before in my life and all I needed from you was motherly love and advice because you’ve been down this road before. I just need to ask you this before I leave, what you went through with your parents when you decided to get married to dad, is that what you want for me too? Who will teach me how to keep my husband? Who will teach me how to nurse my child? Who will my children visit during the holidays? Have you forgotten what I went through after I realized my grandparents didn’t want anything to do with me? Is that what you want my children to go through? Do you want me to lie to them you’re deceased then later tell them that they don’t need you like you told me? Mom please tell me, Is that what you want for me?”

She could see her mother wasn’t cracking at all. It was like she was trying to hit a stone hoping it would give her some water. Her blouse was soaking wet. She had said all she wanted to say to her mother and it was time to leave. She looked around at the house she once called home; the place where laughter and love was the only known language.Ā It used to be the place she would find solace but it wasn’t anymore. Her heaviest burden had just been created there. She knew once she left, there was no turning back. She stood up, looked at her mother and hugged her goodbye. She said, “Goodbye Mother, May the Almighty keep you well.”

She walked out of the house towards her car and opened the driver’s door and looked back hoping her mother would at least be at the door waving at her but the door had been closed behind her and no one was standing there. It was time to go…

 

Remind Me Who I am

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A time comes when I loose my way simply because I might be interested or even influenced to try out new paths. I may get lost on these new path and get myself into a fix with no one else to help me out of it. When that time comes, please Remind Me Who I Am.

I might even forget my name and the destiny I have to attain in the event of all the pressures of this life. I could reach a point where I can not recognize myself on the mirror because whoever I am seeing there is the exact replica of who I don’t want to be. When I reach this point please Remind Me Who I Am.

When my heart isĀ  like a stone and all I do is give off steam to those who deserve my love and care. In times when I’m afraid of failing you and I just can’t open my heart to receive your love, please Remind Me Who I Am.

In the loneliest places when I need a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen, could you please be there to remind me that grace wins every time?

If I am your beloved, could you help me believe it? And tell me once again who I am?

That will be enough!

From Where I Sat.

I was born out of wedlock. I got to know this at age ten. Despite the fact that I didn’t resemble any one of my family members, I wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t said to my face. You’d have thought I wouldn’t understand what such a big word meant at such a young age but i was forced to.

My step siblings were what you would call a nightmare. They made sure to rub it in. The eldest one, Jack, he was a little bit nice to me. Whenever he saw me watching them play he would invite me to play amidst his siblings protests. My step father never said it to my face but I would hear him argue with my mother about it and threaten to chase her away.

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Mother; she was a pretty soul. She’d always said I resembled my father. She’d nick named me ‘ajuoga’ which meant Doctor. She would always remind me that I wasn’t like any of my siblings. Each morning before I left for school she would give me a few coins for a snack. She made me repeat this words every morning, ‘You are Kind. You are Smart. You are Important.’

A year later mother passed on from a pneumonia attack. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was right beside her bed when she breathed her last. Her final words to me, “Ajuoga, you have your father’s heart. You are kind my son. May the Lord keep you.”

I sat there with my hand still in mother’s hand until my step father got back. He called out my name but I didn’t move. My shirt was already wet. I had been crying for more than two hours. I heard my step father call someone to come pick up the ‘body’. Barely a few hours after my mother died and he was already referring to her as a ‘body’. It made me wonder if he really loved her.

They took the ‘body’ and promised that they would take care of the ‘body’. “Miriam,” I shouted at the men in white coats. They looked at me like I was speaking Greek. “Her name is Miriam. She’s my mother,”  i explained. They nodded and smiled at me as they left with mother at the back of their truck.

Friends, family, neighbors, strangers all came to the home to give their condolences. I always watched them from the corner of mother’s room. It didn’t matter to me because they didn’t know mother, not even those who wept. They were all pretenders. The worst part was they didn’t bother to check on the ten year old boy who had watched life fade away from his mother’s eyes.

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On the eve of mother’s burial I was seated at my favorite spot in the home, farthest right corner just next to the kitchen. It was where mother would sing me all the songs my father sang to her when she was pregnant with me. No one cared to dress me up. I wasn’t recognized as one of the children. It seemed like I’d ceased to exist when mother passed on.

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From where I sat I could see the only person who had loved me with no bounds in a coffin unable to smile at me like she’d always done.
From where I sat I could see the bed, in my mother’s house, on which she died in.
From where I sat I could hear Jack read the eulogy without my being included as the out-of-wedlock-child of Miriam.
From where I sat my world seemed to crash around me and I was fighting for my life.

But also, from where I sat I could see a man who was staring at me with a smile plastered on his visage. Immediately our eyes met I felt some peace and calm. He gestured for me to go to where he was and I did.
He pulled me into an embrace with tears quickly filling his eyes. He begun humming a song, that mother had termed as sorrowful, into my ear then he said, “My condolences my son, your mother was a pretty soul.”

From where I sat that day fifteen years ago, I met the only other person, apart from my mother, who loved me with no boundaries…

Weak Heart

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Just as she walked towards the polling station she saw him. She looked away and felt him look at her. She could see him approach her from the corner of her eye. Trish was so mad at him that she started pacing on the pavement instead of walking right into the polling station.

“Hi Trish.”
She heard him say and you’d have expected she wouldn’t answer but she looked up at him and there was that smile that always managed to confuse her on his face. She smiled back as she returned the pleasantries.

He turned around and walked into the polling station without saying another word. ‘Typical him‘ she thought to herself. She followed closely behind and after picking the ballot papers she realized she didn’t have a pen so she stood beside some strange girl waiting for her pen.

“Here T, use this.”
It was him. ‘Why was he always there when she needed something?’ She thought.
“Are you going to keep staring or will you take the pen T?”
“Err… Thank you.”
She looked at him as he disappeared out of the hall.

Once she was done, Trish left for home. Her brother’s apartment was her next stop. She’d always loved it away from her noisy family. Not that she didn’t love them, she did. They were just a little bit too noisy for her.

Her favorite spot, a cup of coffee and some movie; her evening was going to have a better turn out. Her phone rang,  ‘Who could this be?’ She reached her phone and his name showed on her caller ID. She declined the call then changed her mind immediately and called back.

“Hi T, you home?”
“Hi. No. Why?”
“Just wanted to talk.”
“Then talk”
“Ouch! Don’t be harsh Cherry, can I come over?”
There it was, that name he insisted on calling her that absolutely worked magic.
“Sure.” She heard herself say.
“Cool, on my way.” Then he hang up.

“What can I get you?” She asked him once he was settled in the living room.
“Just you”. He said and she blushed.
“Slow now, this can’t go on. It’s time we got this over with Jim.” She said to him while trying to regain her ‘serious’ face.

“Don’t make things complicated T, we are mature enough. Can we cut the crap and just be friends?”
Friends is better than losing him for good, I can do that.’ She thought to herself. “Yeah, sure. Of course. We were friends before all this,” she said to him, “but don’t you think we could give it another shot?”
“Really T? I don’t think so. We’re better off friends. Unless you want some benefits included.”
How could he? Did he just refer to me as an FWB?’ She was getting angry.
“Please leave my house Jim. Just go.” She had raised her voice. She knew it would work cause he’d never liked her crazy side.

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He left as tears ran down her pretty face. He didn’t even look back. He just walked away. She knew that when it came to him she’d always had a weak heart. She’d never said no to him but he’d gone overboard and she had to speak up. It was time to let go of the jerk. He’d done enough damage to her pretty soul. She just had to accept she wasn’t good enough for him. No one was anyway!

You’re going to be fine!

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Everyone has heard this phrase more than a couple of times I believe. I know I have heard it and most of the time I don’t believe it at all.

This takes me back to the period when I’d just injured my eye and everything seemed dark to me. I was so afraid. No amount of encouragement seemed to calm me down. My sister kept saying, ‘you’ll be fine’ but it didn’t make any much sense. All I could think of was losing my dream career cause no one wants to train a blind doctor let alone be treated by one.

My parents kept saying the same thing, ‘it’s going to be okay, you’re fine baby’. Not even their encouragement worked. Finally when the doctor gave his diagnosis I was more afraid than I had been when I went to the hospital. His words still linger in my mind. He said, ‘That cut is so deep. Unless you hurry and go to the eye hospital in Sabatia for a surgery you’re going to go blind!’

You can tell how discouraging that was for me. Even after that diagnosis, my dad kept telling me I would be fine. I was like, ‘Did you hear what he said? Is that what you call fine?’

It wasn’t until the first surgery was successful that I started believing that I would actually be fine.

My point is most of us are visual creatures. Hell the wise men said seeing is believing so yeah it isn’t any of our faults but I’d like to give you a different perspective which is a sum total of the definition of the word faith.

Faith means believing without seeing. It’s more of the assurance that the things we hope for will come to pass. I know what you’re thinking and it probably is that faith isn’t easy. That’s true. It ain’t easy to have faith but it’s worth a shot

Sometimes when nothing seems to be going your way, try Faith. It sure works!

Blessings.ā˜ŗā˜ŗ

Not My Thing

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She always had a remedy for each of her problems. For this particular one she knew sitting on the floor with her knees at chin level would work but it didn’t seem to work. She bent her knees to a level higher than her chin hoping it would take away some of the pain she felt inside but it didn’t.

Something was blocking her throat and she wished she could scream out loud but ‘it wasn’t her thing’. Tears were a sign of weakness to her. She wasn’t weak. She had gone through so much at such a young age but she’d made it through the hell and the high water.

The voice inside kept saying, ‘Go on dear. Let it all out’ but she fought it. She kept fighting but she couldn’t take it anymore. She burst out in tears. They steamed down her face as she struggled to get some air into her lungs. It was a really huge outburst that left her sprawled on the floor trying to catch her breath…

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She kept saying to herself, ‘This isn’t happening…’

For more of ‘her’ story: read, like, comment and give some of your thoughts.

Do I Get Off?

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Why do most people persevere some situations that to the common mwanachi seems not to make any sense? You go around asking, ‘Don’t they know when it’s time to get off?’

Well, getting off isn’t as easy as everybody purports it to be. Sometimes getting off isn’t even the  problem, it could be the strength, will and courage to get off that lacks.

For this particular article, I want to side with the other half of the society that believes that some of these situations are worth a second or even third chance. Notice I said ‘some’. I’m not referring to the situations where nothing that surrounds it is worth your time let alone your energy. I’m referring to a situation where you still can see some good come out of everything.

Getting off isn’t always the solution. Sometimes you can decide to get off and hike another ride with some new friends but you realize later that God was intending to make the situation better for you. I mean, sometimes you just have to trust upon Him to lead you.
You could be in a similar situation to what I’m talking about and you don’t know what to do. Let me be the first to tell you that you will figure it out. If it’s time to get off, He will stop the car for you to allow you get off without a single  scratch. His word says that He puts us in these situations with the full knowledge that we can weather the storm.

Blessings!
Odindo Faith

Silent Battles

Everyone has their own demons. Some of them stronger than others. Sometimes you feel muffled up by your own battles and you just can’t yell for help. Other times you feel trapped in your own fight because you can’t talk to anyone out of fear of how society treats truth.
Have you ever put your head in a bucket of water and covered it with a towel then tried not to breath for a while? This is exactly how it feels. You really want help. Actually you really need it but you just can’t ask. You’re afraid of how the judgmental people will view. Most probably the fear of losing those close to you is greater than the courage to seek help and therefore you end up in a silent battle.
This isn’t the kind of battle that takes two days and goes away neither is it the kind that has no consequences. It’s the kind that once you let someone in on it, their whole perception about you changes.
The biggest question here is should you risk confiding in someone and lose them or rather change their perception of you OR keep it to yourself and maybe battle it for probably the rest of your adult life?
I can assure you option B sounds convincing but it has consequences. However, option A is damn scary and needs a lot of courage.
It’s a tricky position many people find themselves in. So many people wish someone else would just get them and  understand their frustration. Well, it’s not too late dear. You can get through this. Just make the right decision and you’ll be fine. Involve the Almighty in this endeavor and you will be victorious.

Odindo Faith.