For a while now, I’ve looked for you in every person I know. I’ve searched their eyes for that glow that sparks up when my eyes meet yours. I’ve searched their souls for that love that I deemed so pure. Yet somehow, I keep finding better souls and eyes to coincide with mine, but still I search for you.
Somewhere, deep down there, I know I shouldn’t search because at some point I might find what I’m looking for. I don’t need what I am looking for but I certainly want it. My brain knows its toxic; my heart can’t help but justify my wants. I want to see you just one more time. I want to feel that instant connection when we embrace just one more time. I want to make sure I know what I’m losing and why I have to let go of you.
But I’m scared that I might remember how it felt. I’m in fear of what my heart might give in to. I’m terrified that my brain might lose its dignity in matters concerning you. I’m not ready to be bitten a third time but I can’t help myself. These emotions are too strong. I’m too weak to know what is right for me.
The voice inside my head would like to sit you down and look into your eyes to search for the reasons. Any reason that could explain why you would turn your back on what I thought was ‘us’. Any justification for your cruel and harsh actions towards me. It would probably want me to narrate to you how I’ve suffered in silence and solitude hoping that you would just reappear to tell me, ‘it will all work out’, even when we both know it wouldn’t.
I’m sorry that I put too much pressure on you. Forgive me for expecting too much from you when you couldn’t trust me enough to grant me access to you. Maybe you cracked under that pressure. At least that gives me solace; blame myself for losing you. It’s much better than having no explanation.
They say the worst goodbyes are those that are never explained. They definitely didn’t meet you. The worst part is that there was no goodbye and of course no explanation. One minute you were here and the next I was trying to find you in everyone that came my way. Maybe I should settle and just take what the universe is presenting to me. Question is, what if I never stop trying to find you and in the process never see the difference between you and someone new?
Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. I hope the thought of pitting my brain against my heart makes you feel a little bit better about yourself. You shouldn’t have come into my life because then I’d be writing about a different human with qualities similar to yours but maybe they’d be easily forgettable.😒😒