Healing…

She handed to him. It was wrapped in celotape and covered in glue. It looked worn out…

He looked at her and noticed the wetness of her cheeks and the tremble in her hands. He gave her a soft smile as he wiped away her tears. He took her hand in his and mouthed a ‘Thank You’ to her…

She smiled back and tightened her grip on his. Right there and then, she knew that her heart had finally found a resting place in his hand and she would finally heal…

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My Mind Spoke…

I just wanted to stop…
Without having a second thought…
Or a beautiful memory pop…
To make me forget why we fought…

I was scared…
Of the nights I’d have to spend alone…
Crying myself to bed…
Or just starting at our texts on my phone…

It seemed right…
To care for my fragile heart…
Before another fight…
Could give me more hurt…

It wasn’t worth it…
To have you build me up…
Only to later sit…
And watch you break me up…

The memories are priceless…
We had the time of our lives…
It would just be painless…
If I avoided the forthcoming knives…

Yours faithfully,
My Mind.

THE KEY

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She stood at the door, her hand resting on the door handle. Her hand left the door handle and landed on the stickers on the door. They looked the same as she had seen them a decade ago. She traced the outline of the stickers and smiled to herself. She remembered when mother had just brought the stickers home for her 14th birthday. She was so happy. They were barbie doll stickers that she had seen in the supermarket but mother didn’t have the money at the time. The one in the middle read, “I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.” That verse. It had been her reference point all these years.

She was hesitant. It had been too long. She wasn’t sure what she would see inside there. The last time she had been there she had sworn not to go back there but it seems like fate had a different thing coming for her. She breathed heavily in an effort to sum up some more courage cause she obviously needed it. Her hands were shaking and her palms were sweaty. She was so nervous! Still shaking, she turned the door knob and pushed it slightly open. She raised her head to peep and through the mirror that still hang in its place on the wall, she could see a reflection of the whole room. She pushed it open slowly until there was enough space for her to enter. She looked around and tried to move her foot but she was unable to. It felt as if she’d been stuck to the ground by Super Super Glue. “You can do this Angie. You can do this…” She kept saying to herself.

When she was finally able to make her leg muscles move, she walked in and stood in the middle of the room. She looked around. Everything was right where she left it a decade ago. Her favourite doll, Mandie, was still as rugged as she had been when father bought it for her. She had loved that doll as a kid. It had been her only escape into dreamland when she was a child. Her parents hadn’t been the ‘bedtime story’ type so it was always her and Mandie each night. At times Izzy had let her tuck in with her especially when she had nightmares.

IZZY. She missed her. A glance at Izzy’s bed brought tears to her eyes. Izzy had no dolls on her bed. She only had her bible there. She remembered how Izzy would tell her bible stories from Sunday School and teach her some of the songs they had learned at Camp. Izzy always made her get on her knees and pray the Lord’s prayer each morning before they left for school. She’d always been her ride or die. Her parents were always out hustling for their survival but even in their absence she still had Izzy. Izzy was like her second mother. She was only 5 years older then but she was very responsible. The memories of Izzy were priceless…

She snapped out of it and found her self seated on Izzy’s bed. Her hand was stroking Izzy’s blanket. She’d always said, “Angie don’t dirtify my duvet, your little hands couldn’t possibly handle the washing.” She would always laugh when Izzy said that. Even when she turned twelve Izzy still referred to her hands as little. We’ll,  she wasn’t wrong though. Her hands had always been little though not abnormally small. Her best memories had been made in that room with Izzy. She looked around again and smiled. When they moved into that house father took the day off to help them decorate their room and it had been fun painting and putting up stickers. They had played water guns with paint in the process and they had paint all over their bodies when they were done. Mother was so annoyed because it got in their hair and she had to spend a lot of time trying to help them wash it off. Izzy had later mimicked mother’s face at bedtime and they’d laughed their hearts out. It was one of her best memories in that room.

Despite all the good, her childhood hadn’t been the best anyway. It was her happy place that had turned out to drive her away from home at only 15 years of age. From the time she had walked into the room she hadn’t looked at the bathroom. It was the only part of the room that she hated. She was afraid of evoking the pain she had felt that fateful day but she hadn’t been able to let go and she needed to. She turned her head grudgingly and sat facing the bathroom door. The big padlock was still there. She’d locked it and wore the key as a neck piece since that day. She stood up and walked towards the bathroom. Her hand rested on her neck. She could hear her heartbeat getting louder by the minute. She took it off and opened the padlock.

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Her muffled cries turned into wails as she walked into the bathroom. The memories started flowing and she could no longer block them. One by one, the happenings of that fateful night played on a loop in her head. She sat on the floor and cried her eyes out. It felt as if she was reliving that night. She could see blood all over. She could see herself trying to stop the blood that was oozing out with so much pressure. She could hear herself call out and cry. She could see herself trying to turn off the taps and at the same time put pressure on the wounds.

Izzy lay there lifeless. Her eyes were wide open and she looked like she was staring into the ceiling and in deep thoughts. The knife she’d used to slit her wrists was on the floor. Blood oozed out of her wounds and dripped like tap water on the floor. A pool of blood was right below her left arm that hang out of the bathtub. The tub was quickly filling with water that was mixing with the blood from her right arm. She was in tears. She was losing consciousness. She’d lost a lot of blood.

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Angie cried until she couldn’t cry anymore, she had no tears left. She had always blamed herself for Izzy’s death. She had kept telling herself that if she’d walked in some minutes earlier she’d have saved her life. She wished she’d realised earlier when Izzy left the bed. She wished she’d read the signs when Izzy had refused to eat that night. She wished she’d known what had happened to Izzy when she left father’s room while crying. If only she had insisted on knowing why Izzy had sat in the closet that evening and cried her eyes out.

“Izzy, I’m not sure you’re hearing me right now. I just wanted to say that I love you so much Izzy. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop you from taking your own life. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop father. I’m sorry I couldn’t get mother to believe you. I just hope you’re okay now. I hope you’re happy. I miss you so much. I’ve not been able to live my life as I’d wished and it’s because of the guilt I’ve carried all along. I’m so sorry Izzy.  Rest in peace my dear one. Rest in peace Izzy…”

Angie felt peace fill the void in her heart on her bus ride back to her city. She felt at peace and for once in ten years, she was able to hum the songs Izzy taught her without tearing up. She was able to get the key off her neck. It felt like a huge burden had just been lifted off her chest. All along she had the key to her freedom. She just didn’t know she carried it on her neck every single day…

The Liebster Award

 
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I’m a new blogger and I’m humbled to have received my first award. Sincere appreciation to Akshitha for the nomination. I’m so grateful.

From our interactions I can confidently say that Nonchalant uttering is a blog you must visit. Her use of words and the plot twists could move you to tears. Trust me, I’ve been there. So click here https://nonchalantutterings.wordpress.com/ for more about it.

Below are the ten random facts about me,

  1. I’m a huge music freak, I literally can’t leave the house without my headphones.
  2. I’m addicted to chocolate!
  3. Doesn’t matter what snack it is, as long as it has some chocolate element in it, I’m totally down with it.
  4. I appear shy during first interactions but I get loud once I’m comfortable. My friends could explain this better though.
  5. I’m a foodie…
  6. I love singing and dancing in the shower.
  7. I love trying out new recipes.
  8. I’m a little bit of a bookworm. I can sit for hours just reading either my school books or novels on Watt pad.
  9. I’m more of a indoors person; I enjoy the solitude and space but I love to get out sometimes and have fun.
  10. I’m not scared of needles and syringes, quite the opposite though. My idea of a good day involves my patients and some needles and drugs.
  11. I’m big on family. It usually is my first priority no matter the situation. I think it’s got something to do with the size of my extended family.

Now I nominate;

Rules of the Liebster Award

  1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.
  2. Try to include a little promotion for the person who nominated you.
  3. Display the award on your blog for the 2016 Liebster Award.
  4. Provide ten random facts about yourself.  Write this so that the virtual world becomes a little bit more interesting.
  5. Nominate 5 to 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award who have less than a 1000 flowers.
  6. List the rules of the award in your post. Inform the bloggers the happy news that you nominated them for the Liebster Award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn more about it.

Thank you for visiting!

 

Life Happened…

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“I love my life every time I’m with you… there’s nothing I won’t do to make you happy, there’s nothing I won’t do to make you smile girl…” I kept singing to her as she swayed her tiny hips from side to side. She loved it when I sang that song to her. A million dollar smile was plastered on her face. I loved making her smile. Her chuckles had their way of making my day. Come to think about it, she was the best thing that happened to me.

Troian Tessy Mor. My little sunshine. My constant source of happiness. Each time I looked at her I couldn’t help but remember what I went through for her sake. The many battles I pushed myself to win just for her to have a better shot at life. The nights I cried myself to sleep. My little bundle of joy.

When I was knocked up by the ‘village idiot’ as my mother constantly refered to him, I knew he neither had the courage nor the means to raise a kid. I managed to keep it a secret for the first three months but my mother took a look at me one day and joked, “You look pregnant Lily. Thank God you’re not as stupid as those young girls who mess up their lives.” At that point I realised that I had just lost my mother. How could I even tell her after that comment? I had ashamed the family. My mother had worked so hard to make sure we lived a better life. She had me when she was a teenager and she had always warned my sisters and I about playing around with the ‘village idiots’.

My ‘village idiot’. Well, he was one of a kind. He was my first. I never could see myself with anyone else but him. He’d given me a taste of love and each time he increased the dosage I just couldn’t resist. I became an addict that was going to do anything, including eloping, for my idiot. When he began getting intimate, he did it in doses. Honestly, he played it well. He always left me wanting more and more from him. It became hard to mix him and anything else. My world suddenly began to revolve around him. Before I knew it, I had a bun cooking in my oven.

I still remember my mother’s words when she found out about the pregnancy,

You are a disgrace to this a family Lily. A big disgrace. A shame. I raised you better than this. Lily you are way better than this. I took my time to tell you about me but you ignored me and walked right into the same hole I walked into when I was your age. Lily what is it you lacked? Huh? Tell me where I went wrong as a mother. Didn’t I love you enough? Didn’t I provide all you needed. Why Lily?

That was the day I walked out of home and never looked back. You can guess my next destination was my boyfriend’s place but I wasn’t welcome there too. I had no choice but the shelter. I walked long distances trying to find a shelter that would take me in just for a place to lay my head. I made some friends among the street kids; God knew I needed it. They made it their personal mission to take care of me. My elder brother tried several times to pull me from the streets but I kept refusing. Surprisingly I just fit in with them more. He’d send me some money each month to cover my expenses at the shelter. There were times I wished my mother were there to help me out and just be with me. Sometimes I just cried and sang myself to sleep. She had always been my shoulder. She had been all I had but life had just ‘happened’ to me and another life was growing inside me, I had to be strong.

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Sunday 31st March 2013 at exactly half past noon, Mor was born. I remember the pains during the night and I remember my friends hustling to take me to a hospital but the next thing I remember after that is seeing the beautiful face of my baby girl when I woke up. She had been born through caesarean section, which made her all the more special. Surrounding me were my friends from the shelter. Somehow in my twisted mind I kept thinking that maybe when I gave birth my mother and siblings would be there for me but no, it was just my God-given family.

Troian; I named her after my mentor. Tessy was my mother’s maiden. Despite being shunned by my mother, she still was my hero and I still wanted to have a piece of her with me. Mor; it meant Happiness in my local dialect. She had just spiced up my life this girl. I didn’t even expect it, life just happened and when it did, it brought her into my life. You know those surprise gifts you get and you think to yourself, ‘They must have a CCTV in my room.’? Well, that was Troian for me.

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Sometimes when life happens, it does so for a reason. Accept what was termed as a mistake and make the best out of it. After all, we’re human; we’re bound to make mistakes!

THE END

Release yourself

Ella looked down at her son and she could see his eyes turn pale. She lifted her head to look at the que and there were just five people before her. She could feel his heartbeat and could tell it was way higher than normal. His fever was so high. She had tried to control it all night with some Calpol but it didn’t quite hold. Tevin, her little boy, kept crying the whole night. He was unable to sleep. When she woke up to his cries in the morning, he was so pale. She didn’t have any money on her so she just cleaned him and began the walk to the hospital. She had been waiting for almost an hour on the que but she was close now.

“I’m free for consultation Miss. Send some my way.”

“Ok Dr. Hawi. Thank you for helping out.”

“Anytime.”

Ella looked up just in time to see this Dr. Hawi that had volunteered to help and she looked very familiar. She kept staring at her as she walked away and disappeared into an office. ‘Who could it be?’ The name Hawi wasn’t familiar but the face was kind of familiar. She hadn’t gotten a good glimpse of the facial features to make a final judgement but the symmetry was enough to give her clues. ‘Could it be Eva?’ She thought.

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Eva Gillian. The only wound in her heart that had never healed despite the many years. They said time heals everything but this one didn’t heal and wasn’t going to anytime soon.They had been best friends. Five amazing years together were just thrown away to the trash. They’d known each other in High School. They met the first day of their first year and they never broke. It was like they were each a piece of a two-piece puzzle that had just been put together and fit perfectly. Eva was just an angel sent from above. She had been there for her even in the darkest moments of her life when her family had shunned her away. Just before joining campus she’d gotten some incriminating information against her best friend and …

“Ma’am? Ma’am. Err, Ella?”

She snapped out of her daydream to find the nurse calling her and her son shivering in her arms. The nurse informed her to go to Dr. George’s office. The nurse took a look at her son and she made a face. She looked up at her again and said, “Ma’am, please go to Dr. Hawi instead. She’s the best pediatrician we have right now and looks like your child needs it.”

Ella nodded and followed the instructions. Tevin was fading away so she walked faster and when she got to the ‘second blue door’ she saw the title ‘DR. HAWI E.G’ She knocked on the door and walked in.

“Take a seat Miss Ella. I’ll be with you in just a few minutes.” she said

Ella realised she wasn’t looking up and had no clue about the name either. She was writing something on some card and she seemed to be very focused on finishing. Ella couldn’t help but notice the photo of the cute baby girl on her desk. She looked two or three years old. Just beside it was another photo of Eva and her husband. They looked very happy and their smiles told it all. She hadn’t changed much. Her baby face had still persisted despite the years.

Tevin made a sound and Ella looked down at him. He was trying to say something but he wasn’t able to. She felt him writhe on her lap. She noticed Eva had realised and was already taking pulse, temperature and heart rate measurements. She heard her call the nurse in and ask for a bed. All this time Eva hadn’t looked at her at all. She followed them to the wards and she watched Eva work hard to save her child’s life then she started to wonder if she would still do it if she knew who she was. The medical terms were so big that she got so alarmed but somehow she wasn’t that shaken. Part of her knew Tevin was in good hands.

After a long wait, a nurse walked up to her and explained that it was a bacterial infection but Tevin would be fine. She felt so much relief. She couldn’t stop thanking the nurse. She asked if she could see the doctor and she realised the nurse was a little bit hesitant but she promised to try. She wasn’t allowed to see her son yet so she just sat there and awaited her verdict from Eva. She had a feeling Eva knew exactly who she was but was trying to separate work and her personal life. Personal life wasn’t even the right term because she had ceased being part of Eva’s life 7 years ago.

“You can go in Miss Ella.” the nurse said to her.

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Ella walked slowly towards Eva’s office. In her head were clues of the turn of events that would happen with their meeting. She had thought of several ways she would mess it up and she was aware she was going to do most of the talking so she had to be extremely careful. She knocked on the door and once she was allowed in she was met a smiling baby girl who said, “Aunty Ella!” She couldn’t resist that smile. She picked her up and walked towards Eva, who stood just beside her table and looked at her with a smile. “Hi Ella, meet your niece, Ella Troian.”

Ella was already tearing up. She couldn’t believe what was happening. Eva had known who she was from the minute she’d asked to help out with the children and she’d saved Tevin’s life without any grudges. She didn’t deserve any of it. She had imprisoned herself with a grudge but while she was imprisoned, Eva was living. Eva said to her, “I was angry at you Ella, for not believing me but I realised I wanted to simplify my life and let go of the poisonous past. I wanted peace and to have it I had to forgive you. I hold no grudge Ella. Release yourself too my dear…”

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THE END

Give Me Peace🙏

All week long she had kept telling God to give her peace. She just needed Him to give her peace of mind. She needed to let go without thinking of how big a gap was being left in her life. It was time for her to stop playing nice and let go…

It had been almost a month. A whole month of loneliness and pain. Her grandfather had just passed on at the beginning of the month and she was mourning. They had been very close. She had stared at his photo and phone number almost half of the morning. She cried each time she thought of him being gone. She hadn’t told anyone because they weren’t talking to her anyway. She longed for a shoulder to lean on but she was the one keeping the family together so she had to be strong.

She kept wishing they would just ask her what was going on and console her but they didn’t. Amidst her quiet wails she could hear them laugh loudly at their own stories. They acted like she wasn’t even in the room. Worst of all they acted like life was just normal. But it wasn’t normal to her. She’d just lost her best friend, anchor, mentor and loved one. Any normal person would console another who had lost someone but they just didn’t seem to care.

She cried until she couldn’t tell anymore if she was mourning her grandfather or wishing her roommates would stand with her at that trying moment. She kept asking herself what it was she had done to deserve what they were doing to her. She just couldn’t find the answer to any of her questions simply because she hadn’t done anything wrong. She knew that now.

That was why she was asking God to help her let go. She had spent so much time believing that she had wronged them and she had to make it up to them by being nice even when they were bullying her technically. She had spent a whole month trying to seek redemption from them but she’d decided she was done. She didn’t have anything to apologize for. If anything, they were supposed to be the ones to apologize but who cares right?

This passage was meant to tell whoever is going through a similar situation that if you don’t owe them anything stop beating yourself up. If they can’t beat you, they should join you. If they think they’re better off without you, then you’re too. Stop basing your life on people’s actions. Not everyone is happy when you’re doing better than them. Just learn that you’re not chocolate, you don’t have to please everybody. Ask the Lord to give you peace even as you let go of friends who don’t mean anything to you anymore. Don’t justify their actions, it’s time to let go!!

Is that what you want for me?

Yvette sat on the chair right across her mother and looked her in the eye with tears rolling down her face. She was shaking. She couldn’t believe that her own mother would leave her at such a time. She felt abandoned and unloved. She kept wondering if she was making the right decision. She even questioned her sanity. It was like she was sinking into the mad and was stretching her hand hoping her mother would come to her rescue but she could see her mother stare at her with disdain.

She remembered when she was a little girl and her mother lied to her about their maternal grandparents. She’d told them they died because of old age but she later found out when she was a teenager that they were alive and well. They just didn’t want a part of their daughter’s life. When she confronted her mother about it, she broke into tears and she just couldn’t control herself. She remembered her mother’s words just as she said them that day,

“I’m sorry I lied dear. I was trying to protect you and your siblings. I didn’t want you to feel unloved so it was easier saying they were deceased. I’ve said it a long time that I have started believing it myself. Honestly, I wish they met you baby. I wish they’d have known how smart, kind and intelligent you are Yvette. It’s their loss. That shouldn’t worry you at all. Dad and I love you all and that is enough.”

Her wedding was in a week’s time and her parents still hadn’t come to terms with her decision. She had come home hoping her mother would be more receptive and sympathetic with her but she could see she wasn’t getting anywhere. Her mother’s story weighed heavily in her chest and she thought to herself, ‘Why would she allow me to go through this alone?’

She looked at her mother one more time and spoke her heart out, “Mother, I love you. I am grateful to you and dad for raising me into this amazing lady I am today. I am eternally grateful. I also love Tim and I am going to marry him. I haven’t been in  such a situation before in my life and all I needed from you was motherly love and advice because you’ve been down this road before. I just need to ask you this before I leave, what you went through with your parents when you decided to get married to dad, is that what you want for me too? Who will teach me how to keep my husband? Who will teach me how to nurse my child? Who will my children visit during the holidays? Have you forgotten what I went through after I realized my grandparents didn’t want anything to do with me? Is that what you want my children to go through? Do you want me to lie to them you’re deceased then later tell them that they don’t need you like you told me? Mom please tell me, Is that what you want for me?”

She could see her mother wasn’t cracking at all. It was like she was trying to hit a stone hoping it would give her some water. Her blouse was soaking wet. She had said all she wanted to say to her mother and it was time to leave. She looked around at the house she once called home; the place where laughter and love was the only known language. It used to be the place she would find solace but it wasn’t anymore. Her heaviest burden had just been created there. She knew once she left, there was no turning back. She stood up, looked at her mother and hugged her goodbye. She said, “Goodbye Mother, May the Almighty keep you well.”

She walked out of the house towards her car and opened the driver’s door and looked back hoping her mother would at least be at the door waving at her but the door had been closed behind her and no one was standing there. It was time to go…

 

Remind Me Who I am

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A time comes when I loose my way simply because I might be interested or even influenced to try out new paths. I may get lost on these new path and get myself into a fix with no one else to help me out of it. When that time comes, please Remind Me Who I Am.

I might even forget my name and the destiny I have to attain in the event of all the pressures of this life. I could reach a point where I can not recognize myself on the mirror because whoever I am seeing there is the exact replica of who I don’t want to be. When I reach this point please Remind Me Who I Am.

When my heart is  like a stone and all I do is give off steam to those who deserve my love and care. In times when I’m afraid of failing you and I just can’t open my heart to receive your love, please Remind Me Who I Am.

In the loneliest places when I need a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen, could you please be there to remind me that grace wins every time?

If I am your beloved, could you help me believe it? And tell me once again who I am?

That will be enough!

From Where I Sat.

I was born out of wedlock. I got to know this at age ten. Despite the fact that I didn’t resemble any one of my family members, I wouldn’t have known if it wasn’t said to my face. You’d have thought I wouldn’t understand what such a big word meant at such a young age but i was forced to.

My step siblings were what you would call a nightmare. They made sure to rub it in. The eldest one, Jack, he was a little bit nice to me. Whenever he saw me watching them play he would invite me to play amidst his siblings protests. My step father never said it to my face but I would hear him argue with my mother about it and threaten to chase her away.

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Mother; she was a pretty soul. She’d always said I resembled my father. She’d nick named me ‘ajuoga’ which meant Doctor. She would always remind me that I wasn’t like any of my siblings. Each morning before I left for school she would give me a few coins for a snack. She made me repeat this words every morning, ‘You are Kind. You are Smart. You are Important.’

A year later mother passed on from a pneumonia attack. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was right beside her bed when she breathed her last. Her final words to me, “Ajuoga, you have your father’s heart. You are kind my son. May the Lord keep you.”

I sat there with my hand still in mother’s hand until my step father got back. He called out my name but I didn’t move. My shirt was already wet. I had been crying for more than two hours. I heard my step father call someone to come pick up the ‘body’. Barely a few hours after my mother died and he was already referring to her as a ‘body’. It made me wonder if he really loved her.

They took the ‘body’ and promised that they would take care of the ‘body’. “Miriam,” I shouted at the men in white coats. They looked at me like I was speaking Greek. “Her name is Miriam. She’s my mother,”  i explained. They nodded and smiled at me as they left with mother at the back of their truck.

Friends, family, neighbors, strangers all came to the home to give their condolences. I always watched them from the corner of mother’s room. It didn’t matter to me because they didn’t know mother, not even those who wept. They were all pretenders. The worst part was they didn’t bother to check on the ten year old boy who had watched life fade away from his mother’s eyes.

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On the eve of mother’s burial I was seated at my favorite spot in the home, farthest right corner just next to the kitchen. It was where mother would sing me all the songs my father sang to her when she was pregnant with me. No one cared to dress me up. I wasn’t recognized as one of the children. It seemed like I’d ceased to exist when mother passed on.

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From where I sat I could see the only person who had loved me with no bounds in a coffin unable to smile at me like she’d always done.
From where I sat I could see the bed, in my mother’s house, on which she died in.
From where I sat I could hear Jack read the eulogy without my being included as the out-of-wedlock-child of Miriam.
From where I sat my world seemed to crash around me and I was fighting for my life.

But also, from where I sat I could see a man who was staring at me with a smile plastered on his visage. Immediately our eyes met I felt some peace and calm. He gestured for me to go to where he was and I did.
He pulled me into an embrace with tears quickly filling his eyes. He begun humming a song, that mother had termed as sorrowful, into my ear then he said, “My condolences my son, your mother was a pretty soul.”

From where I sat that day fifteen years ago, I met the only other person, apart from my mother, who loved me with no boundaries…